Nicola Doucher

Crossing the border at Christmas

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 16:24:41 +0000

I know Christmas can be a difficult time for a lot of people, including those with disorders.

I’ll be uploading my first video to my YouTube channel on boxing day :)

I hope all of you have a really good Christmas, and if your emotions get too much keep your cool and think of Santa :)

Big love and good wishes to you all

WEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

<3

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:08:15 +0000

<3

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:06:29 +0000

"Why do you always make me out to be the bad guy?"

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 12:23:38 +0000

thatgirlwithborderline:

My boyfriend just said this. I know he is right. The behavior that I do to prompt this sort of response is not ok.
My ex-boyfriend used to say this all the time, scream this at me all the time.
Why can’t I change?
I feel like I try so hard and yet I still get the same reactions.
I cannot fuck this up. No.

I am so scared.

I am exactly the same.

mileysbong: closer (2004)

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 12:23:52 +0000

mileysbong:

closer (2004)

IMPORTANT DECISION.

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 09:29:00 +0000

I have spent a large portion of time attempting to block out my BPD and just be a “regular normal funny girl”! But I’m pretty fucking sick of it to be honest. BPD is a part of me, but I don’t have to let it destroy my life. I created a new “nicoladoucher” YouTube channel last night and it’s going to be used to post videos about everything borderline. The response just on Tumblr already has shown me that there are so many people with this condition willing to speak about it with other people. I am going to reach out to those people and start my own little BPD crewwww! (I am so sad haha)

To be honest this isn’t just about BPD, there are so many other “disorders” which can cause similar feelings. Bipolar Disorder is another huge one, among a looooad of others. I want to reach out to them all, and even people who may not suffer with a disorder but who may have some really crappy down days and need a laugh and a chat!

It’s not about getting rid of it, it’s about managing it effectively. Your “flaws” are what make you so interesting.

I have read a lot on here that comedy helps a lot of you deal with what you’re feeling and “break through the darkness”. I am not a trained counselor, but comedy I can help with. It brings me a lot of happiness to make amusing videos, and if even one other person is cheered up by me vids I’ll be more than happy.

You are not alone!

Woo :)

Hey Can you do voluntary work to void the spare time from being unemployed? I don't know what I would do with out my voluntary work. I too have BPD xxxx

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 09:16:15 +0000

I have interviews for other jobs, I find it so much easier to keep it under control when I’m working full time. But yeah I’ve actually considered doing some voluntary work as well! What work do you do? nice to talk to other people going through the same thing :) xxxx

Up at 2.15am drinking COFFEE. I don’t even LIKE it, ew....

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:15:30 +0000

Up at 2.15am drinking COFFEE. I don’t even LIKE it, ew. I’m weirds.

*INSOMNIA*

Crossing these here borders

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:10:34 +0000

Cannot sleep tonight, not whatsoever. I recently ended a job in Southampton and have just moved back to Leicester 2 days ago. Being unemployed seems to make BPD A MILLIONNN times worse, probably because of all the fucking spare time on my hands!

I am drinking coffee, which firstly will make the situation worse and secondly I despise the taste of. Sensible.

I really love my boyfriend.

To the ones I already lost to my BPD

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:48:00 +0000

I have already lost so many people due to being a crazy Borderline bitch

Holley, Julia, Alara, Milly, even people from the old days like Trish.

Julia was literally one of the best friends and most amazing people I have ever encountered, and it troubles me daily that I hurt her when she was so brilliant to me. I hope she knows I never thought one bad thing about her, and that if I could take it all back I really would.

You can be the nicest person in the world and that one slip up with borderline will let you down and lose you some of the best and coolest friends you’ll ever have. It works the same way in romantic relationships, and the number of close calls I’ve had with my boyfriend, and one very real call back in March-have made me determined to deal with my problem the absolute best that I can.

I love Pete Andrews more than anything, which scares me. He does really nice things sometimes x

Borderline Personality Disorder - READ ME

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 10:21:00 +0000

Borderline Personality Disorder is something I have lived with (with great difficulty) my whole life, but only had diagnosed and began to understand in the last few years. I’m still battling to understand it now.

I was diagnosed properly this year which has made it easier at times because I know there is a name and treatment for what is “wrong” with me, and I’m not so hard on myself. It’s also better that your friends/family know you have the condition and understand the condition. This stops them thinking you’re just being a cunt on purpose! (Which you’re not, hopefully).

I feel these days I do have my disorder under much better control than perhaps I used to (particularly when I was younger and had no fucking idea what it was). Channeling all of my negative thoughts into creative things such as making funny videos for my peers, drawing, singing or playing guitar has really helped me. And just generally keeping busy and meeting new people as often as possible.

But obviously I do still get “down times”. One of those times is today. I’ve been having an extremely rough time recently, I just ended work and money is becoming tight, and someone close to me has really let me down and hurt me.

When I’m in a state I usually contact the local “crisis team” and visit a mental health unit to avoid the feelings becoming too much and causing impulsive behavior such as self harm, which I have suffered with greatly throughout life.

I am lucky enough to have a lovely boyfriend and amazing supportive friends, which is making this “outburst” much easier to handle. My boyfriend has had to put up with endless shit from me about this. When most couples argue, one of them will storm out until both parties have calmed down. In our relationship, my boyfriend will try to do that and I’ll physically cling on to him and refuse to let him leave. This fear of rejection/being along is a BIG part of this disorder, it’s the main symptom I experience. It’s an endless cycle, you become too intense because you’re afraid of people leaving and then the intensity freaks them out and causes them to leave! Bollocks.

I think I have this disorder as a result of being part of a very abusive/dysfunctional family, and being bullied as a child. I have shown symptoms for as long as I remember, but as I say it was only diagnosed in the last few years. Before diagnosis I am confident I was just seen as a total cunt by many, and probably still am! (haha). On the surface, and in myself, I don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me and love nothing more than to stand out and be “unique”. But far far below the surface where the bitchy slag lives (aka the disorder) I have a constant desire for approval and acceptance. Fucking annoying and causes me to make very dramatic displays at times.

In my opinion it’s not something which will ever really go away, at least not for me. I have lost count of the amount of friendships/relationships I have destroyed simply by not controlling my impulsive behavior from this condition. That’s something which bothers me daily, but I have to accept responsibility for my actions. Whether or not my condition affected my thoughts, I am still an adult and I make my own choices. I could have beaten my disorder in those circumstances but I let it take over. Therefore it’s my own fault. The thoughts my disorder causes I can’t control, but I can choose not to listen to my disorder when it’s telling me to do ridiculous things. If I try hard enough, it’s possible.

There are so many disorders that if you know there’s something you feel “isn’t quite right” about the way you do things or think, it’s hard to put your finger on what exactly is going down. I’m no expert on mental health by any means, but I think I’m pretty clued up on BPD…

What is ittttttttttttt?

Well, in my opinion it’s basically a very annoying bitchy slag which can affect your interaction with others, causing unstable relationships. Symptoms include impulsive behavior (for example self harm, sending lots of silly “negative” or “intense” text messages to people, binge drinking/eating, casual sex), short unstable friendships/relationships, disturbed thoughts, emotional instability and intense feelings of sorrow/rage/sadness/panic/terror/shame/emptiness/loneliness.

Whyyyy?

It could be in your genes, it could be a bit of a problem in yer brain sending dodgy mood messages, it could be because of a bleak moment in your life (probably in childhood). From what I can tell the reasons vary greatly from person to person.

How do I know if I’ve got it?

Well if you have all or most of the symptoms that’s a strong indicator, but you do need to go to your GP and arrange a mental health assessment in order to be diagnosed properly.

How do I get rid of it?

In short, you don’t. It can, however be managed by various treatments so whatever you do, do not ignore it. There is help out there and until you admit there’s a problem you won’t be receiving any help for it! I made a video about it, it’s down there at the bottom. Over and out xoxo

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=117311861688379

<3

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:50:12 +0000

ha

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:44:23 +0000

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:34:14 +0000

New York or Milan

Beautiful woman <3

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:27:26 +0000

Beautiful woman <3